Feeling Good About Yourself Seminar

Understanding the Misunderstandings 

Beethoven once wrote to a friend, "Slight misunderstandings often occur between us, but they only serve to strengthen the relationship." 

Well, misunderstandings in relationships are, of course, unavoidable. They're like thunderstorms. We always seem to get caught in them without our umbrellas-but even so, sometimes it's best just to relax and enjoy a walk in the rain. 

Handled with the right attitudes, misunderstandings can clarify, even strengthen a relationship. Here's how: We can develop the courage to speak honestly with each other and discuss problems openly, and we can learn to sort through our feelings and determine which ones are caused by another person and which have been self-inflicted. You see, most of the things we call "personality conflicts" are really conflicts with our own selves. 

So first, look for the source of the conflict within yourself. Then you can more easily decide to be open to change. You can reconsider what you've always done, or thought, or been. It isn't a matter of jumping through anyone else's hoops. It's a matter of being open and free to change when you see a better way. Yes, being open to change is painful, but the rewards are wonderful. "Better to be wounded in the battle for love than always to walk in armor," says Margaret Fuller. 

But of course, too much anger makes it impossible to make the conflict constructive. It turns into a barroom brawl in which someone shoots out the light and you're shooting and slugging in the dark. The insults fly. Your blood comes to a boil. And the later in the night it gets, the worse it gets. Perhaps you could apply the same philosophy to your anger that you are beginning to apply to your expectations and prejudices. Let go. You do have the right to let go of your anger. The ability to let go is a powerful human response. And I believe it is one that is very under-used. 

So remember-no matter what has happened, no matter who is in the wrong-you always have the right to let anger go. Wave a white flag. Tell a stupid joke. Dance a jig. Do whatever you have to do to break the tension and reduce the pressure. 

Don't let work or busyness or emotions or anything keep you from doing what you need to do to enhance and improve and strengthen those important relationships in your life. Because, on the last day of your life, it is your relationships that will matter most. To win at relationships-even through troubles, misunderstandings and failures-is one of the most important ways of winning as a human being.

"I Sure Hope Your Team Wins" 

People who live in triumph know how to laugh, and they know how to inject laughter into moments that otherwise could be tense and hostile. 

I was in Racine, Wisconsin talking to a group about the importance of laughter, and I mentioned having to learn to laugh about the way my own hair continues to fall out a little more each year. Afterwards a woman came up to me and said, "My brother-in-law came to see us last week; I hadn't seen him for 15 years and we were both a little nervous. Well, in those 15 years, would you believe that all of his hair had fallen out? I reached up and sort of tweaked his head and said, 'What's happened up here?' He said, 'Lady, that's a solar panel for a sex machine.'" He had learned to laugh at his baldness, and he relaxed the whole family with that same sense of humor. 

So if you look in the mirror and get upset by what you see, the problem may not be with you. The problem may be that the mirror is too small-the mirror of your mind, that is. The mirror is too small if all you can see is you and your baldness. The mirror is too small unless it's big enough to reflect you and the whole universe…and especially you at home in the universe. This is the sense of well being that lets you get over yourself and laugh deeply and enjoy life. So remember, if you look in the mirror and your nose is too big, the problem isn't your nose. The mirror of your mind is too small. Incidentally, if you have one of those big noses, I know exactly what to do with it-and it's not surgery! You have to love your nose! And the bigger the thing is, the more you've got to love it. 

We have to bring a sense of joy to our lives. Ann Landers tells a story of a woman who went to the basement to do her wash one morning. All the family was gone. She was still in her nightgown. She gets the washer loaded and there's still some room, so she says to herself, "Oh, why not, I'll just take this nightgown off and wash it, too." Well, as she stands there finishing up, a leaky pipe starts dripping on her head, so she sees her son's football helmet and she grabs it and pulls it down over her head. In a few moments the meter reader happens to walk through the basement. He glances over and-after a moment of total speechlessness-recovers enough to say, "Lady, I sure hope your team wins!" 

We find ourselves in pretty ridiculous, even embarrassing tangles, don't we? The next time you find yourself in one of these spots, laugh! Look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I sure hope your team wins."

Fun To Be With

In some ways, I like to think of joy as damage control. There are people who are taught to love their children, but they don't know how to love. And you can really do a lot of things with love that can be very damaging and hurtful. Parents who don’t know how to love, who are simply told to love, may in fact hurt their children more than if they were just left alone.

But joy is not quite as dangerous as that. When I am talking with parents who may have many problems and many scars from their own childhood, and who therefore may not be very skilled at loving, I usually tell them: “Have a lot of fun with your children. Play with them a lot.

People who don’t know how to love can perhaps do a little better at just going for joy, or trying to play with or have fun with their children. This limits some of the damage they might do otherwise.

You may have heard me tell the story of a woman who came to me one night after I had spoken. She was so angry. She was also near tears. Her story was that she had had two sons. “They’re married,” she said, “And they have children, but I rarely ever see them, even though I reared them by myself. Their father never had time for them when they were small. He finally abandoned us altogether and I was left alone to rear the boys, and I did the best I could. I took them camping, I took them to ball games, attended their school functions.”

As she talked, she kept getting angrier and angrier as she remembered all the hurt and the pain, the pressure that she felt as a single mother trying to rear her two children. Her face got red as she continued and said, “I had to work my heart out to make ends meet. I mean, I did everything for them, in addition to my job. And after all of that, who do you think they spend their time with now? You guessed it. Their father.”

I listened to her a while, and I finally said, “Yes, you did a lot of things for them, didn’t you?” “Yes I did,” she said. “But you know what the question really is?” I said, “The question is, were you any fun to be with?”

Well, it was as if something had hit her. She became very quiet, and then again the tears. And she whispered, “Fun to be with?” “Sure,” I said, “You see, you had a very heavy load, and you were very hurt yourself. It’s not easy being left alone to rear two boys. And it’s not easy to be abandoned. You had to deal with all of your own hurt as well as try to be mother and father to your sons, and make the living as well! Without knowing it, your sense of duty may have outrun your joyful love. And now they’re gone, but where are you? You’re in the same place, except even more alone.

“And so, if I were you, I can almost imagine that when I saw them, my greeting wouldn’t be a joyful greeting. I would want to know where they’ve been and why they’re treating me this way. And all of this resentment, hurt and even bitterness perhaps pours out. And then, they don’t come back for a long time.

“But you know, it’s not too late.” And I urged her. I said, “Why don’t you go to your sons immediately and just tell them. Say, “Boys, there’s something that I need to explain to you. When you were growing up, I was abandoned by your father and left alone. I had to be both mother and father to you. I tried to do a lot of things for you, a lot of things I thought you would want to do--and I did, as you know. But I’ve come to realize that in all the things I did with you, I think I forgot one thing. I don’t know if I was any fun to be with. And I’m telling you that I’m very sorry and I want to be different. I want to be a mother, even though it’s late in life, who is fun to be with. I want to be a Grandmother who is fun to be with. I want you to bring your kids and I want them to be excited about coming to Granny’s and I want them to say, “Granny is really lots of fun!” I hope it’s not too late for that.”

I told her that I imagined those boys might just give her another chance and she could pick up and go on. Oh, there would be some scars, but scars can be lived with if the healing has taken place.

Fun to be with. Isn’t it easy to forget? And how often we forget. And yet, just to remember the importance of this—and to take a quiet moment each morning to remember it—is to take the first steps toward a more joyful life and more joyful relationships.

How to Start a Day

Once there was a man who found a treasure map. He rose before dawn and went to the place where the treasure was buried, measured off his steps according to the map, and by torchlight he dug right where the "X" on the map marked the spot and he found the treasure chest. 

It was covered with mud, so he held the torch close, and through the mud he saw the letters, "T-O." "To whom?" he wondered. He got out his toolbox, scraped off the mud and he found that it wasn't "to" anyone-that the treasure chest was etched with the word "today." Very curious, he thought, as he went to work on the lock. He struggled and sweated trying to open the lock. Then, just as the first rays of light were beginning to reach him, he got the chest open. As he leaned over to look inside, he was blinded by the bright light of the sun reflecting off of what was in the chest. He realized that the chest was lined with mirrors, and in the same instant he saw his own face…and the sunrise! 

At the bottom of the chest was a leather-bound book, obviously of great age. He opened the book with feverish intensity. The first page said: 

"You've discovered the greatest treasure any human being can possess. You have discovered today. A day is the only package the gift of life comes wrapped in. Take today, and learn everything you can about what it takes to cherish a day-to cherish today, for you will never find another one like it. Realize that today is the right place for you-not yesterday and not tomorrow-but today. And, as you realize this, you will be in the valley of love and delight." 

This last phrase reflects the words of that beautiful song, "'Tis a gift to be simple, 'tis a gift to be free, 'tis a gift to come down where we ought to be. And when we find ourselves in the place just right, we will be in the valley of love and delight." 

I love that story. I love that he sees his face and the sunrise at the same instant. But I love most the words, "a day is the only package the gift of life comes in." I love thinking of each day as a package-a package of life. How should we open such a package? Why is it that we so often fumble with the string, the bow, the wrapping paper, and never get the day opened? Never getting the day opened, we begin to measure our lives in other, less interesting ways. 

T.S. Eliot wrote, "I've measured out my life with coffee spoons." Throwing out yesterday's newspaper measures the passing of a day for some people. And some mark the passing of a week by throwing out the old TV Guide, replacing it with a new one which ushers in seven more days, seven more packages of life. We age, but do we live? 

Merlin, the magician, preferred to talk of "youthening" instead of aging. Could our problem be that every day, because of the way we approach our day, instead of growing younger in our hearts and spirits, that we're getting older and feebler in our outlook of life? Let's rethink our approach to a day for a few moments. 

A man was telling me the other day that after being a late riser all his life, he was now getting up early. He said he had made a tremendous discovery. It's called "sunrise"-the beginning of a day. Sunrise. When was the last time you saw the sun come up? 

Daniel Webster said, "Among our good people, not one in a thousand sees the sunrise once in a year. They know nothing of the morning. Their idea of it is that it's that part of the day that comes along after a cup of coffee and a piece of toast. With them, morning is not a new issuing of light, a new bursting forth of the sun, a new waking up of all that has life from a sort of temporary death to behold again…the heavens and the earth. It is only a part of the domestic day belonging to reading newspapers, answering notes, sending the children to school." 

He continued, "The first streak of light, the earliest purpling of the east which the lark springs up to greet, and the deeper and deeper coloring into orange and red 'til at length the glorious sun is seen, regent of the day-this they never enjoy for they never see it." 

He then added, "I know the morning. I'm acquainted with it. And I love it. A daily new creating, breaking forth and calling all that have life and breath and being to a new adoration, new enjoyments and new gratitude." 

The song by Cat Stevens captures something of what Webster is talking about. He sings, "Morning has broken like the first morning. Blackbird has spoken like the first bird." 

But it's not enough to see the sun. You've got to let the sun shine in. Vincent Van Gogh was a man who was in love with the sun. Looking out, he saw a world illuminated by brightness and restful aliveness. But, despite his own love for light, he was in the dark about his own worth. If only he could have used his great vision to see himself. If only he had let the sun shine in. He sold only two paintings in his lifetime, which was a source of real grief to him. Today, a single oil painting of his has brought millions and millions of dollars. You see, his greatness was not appreciated until many years after his suicide when he was 37 years old. Yes, we must appreciate the sunrise, but we must also know how to let the sun shine in. 

Just this past week, a friend of mine told about calling a friend of hers who was terminally ill with cancer, early one morning. My friend said, rather apologetically, that she hoped she had not called too early. "You need not worry," the friend with cancer replied. "I will never miss another sunrise." 

As you approach the opening of your day, the only package the gift of life comes in, begin by appreciating the power of sunrise and the importance of letting the sun shine in. This is a value that you can learn, but you must put up a note to remind yourself, until the whole idea becomes a vital part of you. Let the sun shine in. Start the day by feeling filled with the warmth, light, hope, love, knowing that you are a person of worth. 

As Ritchie Havens sings in his song, "Here Comes The Sun,"-"Oh, little darlings, the sun is returning to your faces. Here comes the sun…It's all right." The sun is there but how does one open up and let it shine in? Maybe you just don't know you can…today…every day. Dostoevsky wrote, "Man is unhappy because he doesn't know he's happy. That's the only reason. The man who discovers that will become happy that very moment." You may need to do a little more of that. You may need to accept the happiness that you already have. 

Another problem that's a little more subtle is the problem we have of thinking we know what could make us happy. So we build in all these conditions and expectations and we ruin many a day and maybe an entire life. 

There was a Spanish solider who learned that lying behind all his expectations were the things that brought real happiness. He wrote: 

"Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am among all men most richly blessed. Life breaks us all and afterward many are strong in the broken places. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might find the need of God. I asked for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do great things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. And I was given life, that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing I asked for, but everything that I had hoped for." 

After pursuing other treasures, this soldier had learned something about the greatest treasure any human being can possess-the treasure of "today", the only package the gift of life comes wrapped in. He had obviously learned something about how to open that package.

You Are a Volcano

In this essay, Landon is encouraging us to re-imagine our lives by contemplating new images of what we are and what we can be.

A volcano, that’s what you’re like. And some actually thought the fire had gone out in you. And there was a moment in which the rains and the erosions of the years ate away at you. A little village of fear had spring up at your feet that had become a little city of doubts and depressions. But then—and this is what’s so tremendous about you—something began to stir in you. And just when that city of fear, doubt and depression threatened to creep right up the slopes…you “Pompeyed” it! I mean, you erupted!

There was more fight and fire in you than anyone expected. I think you even surprised yourself! You didn’t think about it, but before you were through, you had actually grown about a mile higher. You more than made up for those years of erosion. And that city of fears with its walls frescoed in doubt, darkness and depression—you buried that city so deep that only a very determined archaeologist could ever uncover it.

But, what a comeback! “Dormant!” they said. “Extinct!” you worried. “Just a shell of his 
former self” others whispered. But holy Krakatoa, did you blow everyone’s mind!

Your life in the larger world has given you a certain look on your face. It’s not the stern 
frown of American gothic. No, it’s more like the look of the man on the Quaker Oats box—that supremely confident and serene look. You see, as you walk out of your house each morning, you look at the world kind of like the man on the box and you quietly say to your day, “There’s nothing better for thee than me.”

Yes, you’re a mover and a shaker, a richter scale quaker. In fact, your approach to the day 
reminds me of Cecile B. DeMille’s philosophy of making a movie. He said, “You begin with an earthquake and then work up to a climax.”

I’m amazed at the way you walk tall through the storms, the way you’ve turned your own spine into a kind of lightning rod. What’s the secret? What’s the secret of your ability to take the heat? In a time when people measure stress in kilowatts with the emphasis on the “kill”, I often see you turning your stress into “thrillowatts.” In a world where most people are afraid of static cling, you fly your kite, complete with keys, in the very worst of storms. How do you do it? Now, I realize that you must have a pretty good ground wire to move through your life as you do, because you have so much style.


You are a life of fire—I mean, you’re not tip-toeing through life. When others are whining 
and wailing, when others are frantic and frenzied, that’s when you call down the fire. But 
you’ve mellowed to the extent that you don’t call down the fire on villagers any more. No, 
in a world of raw personalities, you’ve been tried by fire. You’re not over-done or burnt, 
but you have just what it takes to have flavor and tenderness. You’ve called down the fire into your own life and you’ve cauterized the hemorrhaging ego struggles and you radiate warmth and comfort. 

And in the dark of the night when the eyes of the wild beasts circle around the fire that’s 
within you, they keep their distance. And the people in your life, those who aren’t afraid 
of your fire, they gather near you at the end of the day and you tell them stories in which 
the sparks fly upward…and some sparks are caught by those who are listening; there’s something contagious about your fire. And it’s remarkable how quickly people are changed by coming near you.

Loving Without Expectations

I believe that the following statement is undeniably true: any relationship can change because of you. 

Now, it's not true that you can always get the other person to change. You can't. You have no final control over another person. The only person you can do something about is you. You can change. And when you change, the relationship changes. 

A man and a woman had been married 25 years and at that point the relationship was virtually bankrupt. Tensions had peaked. Children were suffering. Business was affected. 

In search of help, the man attended a workshop on relationships, and he heard an idea that sounded radical, even impossible. But he had nothing to lose so he decided to take it to heart and try it. The idea was that he could love-no matter what-that he could love without conditions or expectations. He decided to love again the woman he had once loved. Where love had grown, maybe it could grow again. He acted on the idea and stuck with it. 

Well, as the weeks passed, he sometimes felt that he just couldn't go on, but he did. She was skeptical at first and then began to attack, trying to shake him from whatever game he was playing. But he was unshakable. After several months passed, the relationship began to take on a bit of new life, and at the time he told me his story, he said, "We've just had the most joyous month of our entire marriage." 

Easy? No. Does it always work? No again. The point is simply that change can occur when you change. And even if nothing improves in the relationships, you'll be stronger for having increased your own capacity for patience and understanding.

Fun To Be With-"Mood Insurance" For Your Relationships

I believe that walls are built and wars are fought in relationships oftentimes because, to put it bluntly, we're just no fun to be with. We often lose friends or we lose the one we love to another man or woman simply because we're just no fun to be with. 

Ogden Nash put it quaintly, "One would be in less danger from the wiles of the stranger if one's own kin and kith were more fun to be with." Now I don't mean you have to be the life of the party. You just have to understand that life was meant to be a celebration. You see the difference in that? The individual who is "the life of the party" may be the most miserable individual there. What I'm saying is, we must understand that life is a celebration and we must learn to act that way day-by-day. 

And I'm not talking about faking it either-the old art of putting the up-turned coat hanger in your mouth to force a smile. No, being fun to be with simply means you must give what you have in each moment. You find something to enjoy, to be excited about, to care about, to think about. And you share this feeling. Give it, and don't hold back. 

Everybody's got something exciting and the people who are fun to be with realize it and share it. Their cup overflows, and they don't mind passing it along. 

Being fun to be with includes things like appreciating people, and most importantly, the people you are closest to. You know, people are designed for appreciation and you can appreciate them even though you disagree with them or even if they irritate you. You might just say, "You know, you aggravate the life out of me, but I appreciate you because you help me grow." 

Being fun to be with means you cherish the differences. They're a perfect topic for a lot of humor! You see, even the people who are really struggling with difficulties are simply nicer to each other when they're having a good time. 

What I'm really talking about is "mood insurance." Mood insurance for your friendships. Mood insurance for your family. Have you insured the climate for your relationships? You've insured everything else. Why not insure a climate of growth in your home and wherever you are? You do that by simply being fun to be with. 

Joy creates the greatest possible climate in relationships. And such a climate is contagious at home and at work. But I'll warn you, you'll need a pretty hardy variety of joy to survive some people's bad moods because it's usually the bad moods that dominate. Have you noticed that? A person in a bad mood walks in and suddenly everyone is apt to get down. Yes, your joy will have to be pretty hardy sometimes. 

What being fun to be with is really about is maturity. It takes a pretty mature person to laugh, and especially at themselves. And only mature persons can risk making fools of themselves…and sometimes on purpose. It takes a mature person to enjoy nonsense and foolishness, to not be so worried and self-conscious about maintaining one's image. 

A French poet, rather outrageously, once said, "An intelligent woman is one with whom one can be as stupid as one wants." Well, I guess the same goes for an intelligent man. 

Further, fun to be with…it's an attitude that can handle change and crisis which are inevitable in life--life is full of both; but you're still glad to be alive because you're a profound enough person to have considered the alternative. It's not a matter of getting what you like, but liking what you get. You are not so afraid of fitting in or standing out or being a little different. After all, you are just a little strange! 

Fun to be with doesn't mean you have to be a wit. It just means you're delightful. Delightful in your own way. You're a listener. An empathizer. An encourager. These are the people who are fun to be with. You're not the big expecter or the big rejecter or the big criticizer. No, you're honest, sincere, authentic. You don't always have to have a great day, but you try. 

Life comes to us in day increments. For just a day…I can be fun to be with. Then, simply repeat that in the next series of days. You'll probably like what it does…and will never want to stop.

Getting the Horses and Cows Out of Your Relationships 

You know, the education you most need includes knowing how to deal with relationships, and I wonder sometimes if we haven't overloaded our relationships. Have you made your relationships more difficult than they really are? 

One of my favorite stories is about a very distraught woman who went to her Rabbi wailing, "Life is just terrible. I live in a tiny little house with a husband who doesn't understand me and four children. Three months ago my parents moved in with us and last week his parents came to live with us. We're running over each other and getting on each others' nerves. Life is just terrible." 

The Rabbi said, "Now, now, it's going to be okay. Here's what I want you to do. Go home, go to the barn and bring the horse into your house. Then come back and see me next week." 

"But…but Rabbi…" 

"Just do as I say." 

She went home and brought the horse into the house. The next week she returned to visit her Rabbi. "Rabbi, Rabbi, life is so terrible. I have my husband, children, both parents, and now that big old horse clomping around. Life is just terrible." 

The Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do. Go home, get your cow, and bring it into the house. Then come back and see me next week." 

Again the woman protested vigorously, but he insisted she follow his directions. The next week she returned wailing louder than before. "Life is just terrible. I have all those people and the horse and now I have that old cow in the house. Life is terrible!" 

The Rabbi said, "Okay, I want you to go home, get the cow and the horse and put them back in the barn, and then come see me next week." 

The next week the woman returned and she was all smiles. "Rabbi," she said, "Life is so wonderful without the cow and the horse!" 

Somehow, a lot of cows and horses get mixed into our relationships. We're so much better off if we take a little time to think through our problems to see which ones are real and which ones we've taken on that don't belong. 

For example…expectations. "You do not have a right to hold any expectations for another person." How about that? Those are the words of a prominent psychologist I heard addressing a business group. Everyone was, of course, shocked, but I thought about it. I believe he's right, at least he is right to shock us into asking what our expectations of others might be doing. Nothing will kill a relationship faster than holding expectations. Expectations have destroyed marriages. They've destroyed children. Expectations are the cows and horses that get in the way of relationships and keep us from enjoying them for what they are. Try it. Try moving those expectations out, turning loose of them, accepting and even celebrating that other person just for who she or he is…and see if things don't begin to improve. 

But be careful. When you start to get rid of your expectations, you might find yourself expecting that the other person will immediately do the same. Get rid of that expectation too!

Five Tests to Find Out if You're Winning or Losing as a Human Being 

 
Going for Joy  

I've always loved the character of Samuel Johnson. Marvelous. Brilliant. One of the most brilliant individuals in recent human history. Here was a man who knew how to have a good time. He was a big man--I mean he weighed over 300 pounds. But he never learned, with all his brilliance and all his writing of dictionaries, he never learned to tie his shoes. Never really learned how to match up his socks. Never learned how to dress. Historians say he was one of the sloppiest characters imaginable. But he became very, very famous.

One day the great famous man is at the top of a little grassy knoll with some dignitaries and friends, and, all of a sudden, he begins emptying his pockets. They think, "What on earth is the great Dr. Johnson going to do?" And before anybody can ask him, he just lies right down on the grass and rolls down the hill. When he gets up, he says, "You know, it has been years since I've done that!"

The ability to laugh at ourselves - this is so important.

Later, Dr. Johnson visited his boyhood home, which had by then become a marvelous place. Now, the people who were living there at the time knew the great Dr. Johnson was coming, so they got the place all tidied up and waited for his arrival. There was a big fence all around the yard. And the lady looked out the window and saw, on the other side of that fence and several paces beyond, the famous Dr. Johnson. Again, he was emptying his pockets and he was eyeing that fence. Before she could do anything, here he came, all 300 pounds, hurdling into the air and leaping up over that fence. When he landed, he went rolling in the grass on the other side. The lady ran out to him and said, "Dr. Johnson, Dr. Johnson, there is a gate. "Oh, I know there is a gate," he said, "but I used to jump that fence as a child and I wondered if I still could."

What's he doing? Joy! He's going for joy.

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